Hit & Run Guy, I Hate You

Someone slammed my car on the freeway hell known as I-5 this morning, and took off like a bat out of jail.

Motherfucker!

Broke my entire bumper all the way across and dented the hatchback door. I still have no idea why this accident even happened. I was taking the Bohemian to the airport. We were in the express lanes, separate from the main highway, the commuters hadn't taken over yet, so traffic was very light. The cars in front of me were the length of a football field away. No one beside me on either side, I was in the middle lane. All of a sudden

BAM!

with no warning at all. Out of the friggin' blue.

Someone rear ended me - HARD - in the middle of the goddamn freeway, with no traffic to speak of! I hadn't braked, there are no turn offs. Did he fall asleep? Was he drunk? Maybe he came flying over the hill of the bridge and didn't see us? But the hill isn't that steep - he would've had time to see us. And even if not, traffic was so light, he could've easily moved to one of the other lanes. We were on the lower level of the bridge, so even weather was not a concern.

WTF, people?

He moved to the right of us, we looked at each other through the windows. He had no front license plate ... uh-oh Sheriff Taylor, something's fishy in Mayberry. He looked like he was saying something to us, we both slowed down (me cursing like a banshee, of course), he got back behind me on the shoulder. Fine. I continued, slowly, toward the end of the bridge, because only an idiot stops on a bridge in the dark with the commuters coming. He kept falling farther and farther behind, still on the shoulder. I thought, damn, he must've fucked up his car, but Red Flag #2 started flapping inside my skull as he fell farther back, so I stopped, just before the end of the bridge.

All of a sudden, the Bohemian says, "Hey, that's him! He's leaving!" The asshat ripped over to the far left, and took the hell off. Bastard! Betcha a dollar he's uninsured. Because who takes the risk of pulling a freaking hit and run, hello, unless you're uninsured?

Holy fuckmonsters, people, I really would like to know what the hell I've done to knock my karma so far out of whack. Why does this random shit keep happening? I mean, a freeway pileup, I could see. An on-ramp accident, ok. Crowded freeways, a merging incident, something. Who the hell rear-ends someone on an open freeway straight-away? What is that? It was so odd, I thought maybe he was a serial killer, but if he were a serial killer, he wouldn't have left. No, he'd have already finished me off with a nice Chianti and fava beans by now.

The Bohemian got the license plate - we're 98% sure it was him. It was dark, so I guess there is the possibility that he doused his lights at the exact instant someone else flew from the right lane over to left at a high rate of speed. With my current run of luck, that may well be exactly what happened.

No witnesses stopped. Of course they didn't. Probably the folks behind didn't realize what happened anyway, to be fair. Again, who the hell even does some shit like that?


Given that the Bohemian still needed to catch her flight, and we were sitting on the side of the freeway in the dark with the commuters coming, no perp and no witnesses, there was nothing to do but head to the airport. Talked to a police officer there who advised me to call the State Troopers, which I've done. I'm waiting for their callback, which they say may not happen for a day or two. WTF?

So basically, I'm still on the hook for my deductible. $500. Fuck. Add that to the upcoming cost of Batman's dental work, and I'm looking at $1000 bucks. This month. 'Tis the season to shake my fist and curse the Fates or the Furies or whoever keeps hitting this flashing neon target on my back.


So,

Dear Uninsured Hit & Run Spawn of Satan's Asshole Guy,

I fucking hate you. You're a selfish, irresponsible, dangerous asshole. I hope your engine falls out. I hope I get to pick you out in a line up and throw tomatoes and hungry leeches at you. I hope you catch crabs that climb into your ass and breed. I hope you and your mean aggressive horrible dog that I don't feel sorry for both break your teeth this month. I hope your toilet backs up and floods your house. While you're sitting on it. I hope your oven explodes. Because that $500 you just yanked out of my wallet, simply because you are a selfish parasite on the asshole of humanity, needs to come out of your own ass tenfold, to teach you to be a decent human being. You just don't do that shit to people. Golden Fucking Rule, assmeister. I hope your mother finds out and bitch slaps you for being a sorryass loser. I fucking hate you.

Cracked Bumper Chick