Lassie Channels Cujo

---UPDATE BELOW---

Does the Tooth Fairy do repairs? Because that would be convenient as hell right about now.

Batman broke his tooth. Not just any old little tooth, either. He went for the one of the canines. He's acting fine, but dogs are good at masking pain. Don't want to lose their status in the pack, you know.

Last night something weird happened. Batman went after Mason. Teen Demon had given them each their Christmas treat to chew for a little while. (Big candy cane shaped rawhide chews. This is a special occasion only treat, supervised for short periods only; after Batman's 2005 surgery, I don't want anything else getting hung up in his poop chutes) Anyway, we had them on opposite sides of the room, not even within sight of each other. Batman got up and went after Mason, apparently for Mason's candy cane, which is weird because that meant he had to totally abandon his - a sure thing - to walk over there and attempt to get Mason's - not a sure thing. Not like Batman. He never walks away from treats.

So anyway, that was really weird and not normal, and kind of scary. Mason immediately submitted, and was terrified afterward, but we had to physically pull Batman off. And I don't know what, if anything, this tooth deal has to do with that insanity. I mean, was Batman already in pain from a cracked tooth, and feeling he needed to assert his authority? Did he somehow break the tooth during the frenzy with Mason? The tooth just kind of fell out of his mouth this morning while the Bohemian was petting him.

It's a mystery.


So apparently, you can't just let a dog simply go through life with a broken tooth, oh no, because all kinds of nasty bacteria get up in there, where they can form an abscess, get into the bloodstream, travel to the liver and kidneys, and generally wreak all sorts of havoc. So we will be visiting the vet, who I'm sure will take great pleasure in reaming me, right in the wallet.

I found a lady online who just paid $800 to have her dog's broken tooth repaired, along with a general teeth-cleaning while he was knocked out. What the fuck, people? If I had $800 to spend on teeth, don't you think I'd have my own ass in the dentists chair?

And then, you try to compare prices, and all the vets and online pet advice places are like,

It is impossible to quote what the procedure will cost, as we do not know the status of your pet's teeth and gums. Fee range is based on severity plus costs for preoperative testing, anesthesia, necessary therapy, and medication. The doctor or staff will be happy to give you an estimate once you bring your dog or cat in for an examination.

Fuckers. Come on, you've been doing this for how many years, Mr. Dog Doctor? You seriously can not give me a ball park estimate? You want me to believe you have no earthly idea of what it might cost to fix my dog's broken canine tooth? Because I'm thinking you could give me a price range if you really wanted to. I'm not asking for an exact quote here, just a general idea. Oh, wait ... that would mean spending 30 seconds on the phone that you couldn't charge me for. I guess it's easier for you to give me that ballpark estimate once I've paid that $50 just to walk in the door of your office, isn't it? And it's not like you'd do the surgery right then and there, so that office visit charge can be part of the bill, no, you'll reschedule me to come back, at a later time for the actual work.

Here, hold on, let me just bend over this exam table here, and spread 'em.

And anyway, what the hell is up with my dog and the holiday season? I've recently posted about his 3rd Christmas Adventure in a row, and how we somehow got insanely lucky that this year's ingested ... objects (ahem) and the Ibuprofen poisening didn't do some serious damage. I mean, what is this? It's like, damn, eating that trash and scarfing up those little orange pills didn't bring about the annual Christmas pet drama, hmmm, what to do ... let's see if I can't break a tooth and get those credit cards going! Oh, and while I'm at it, let me pull a Cujo, and attack my friend here, just to add to the excitement!

It's like my dog is possessed by the Spirit of Christmas Freakout. His name should be Linda Blair for the month of December.

Does my dog hate Santa? Is he trying to get on the naughty list? Maybe he has a coal fetish.

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UPDATE:

Last night Batman's stump of a tooth turned up with a crack in it, going up into the gums. I don't know if the tooth already was fractured there, but not actually separated, or if he maybe chewed on a toy while I was gone to pick up the Offspring, "teething style", to try to relieve the pain. Regardless, his tooth stump was cracked, with the front part loose.

Male Offspring's girlfriend's mom took a look (she's a vet) and said it will have to come out, because of the crack. She confirmed what I'd found out yesterday -- the canine tooth's root is hella huge, and will basically be a bitch to get out. It will likely cost around $500. Their family is going out of town tomorrow, unfortunately. (She'd have been able to give me a bit of a break if she did it herself) She also told me that a doggie root canal - preferred for the canine tooth - would need to be done by a vet who specializes in dental surgery, and would likely run $1500 or more. Because of the crack, that's not an option for Batman anymore anyway.

So last night, I'm woken up by the sound of licking and clicking. He'd worked the front section loose. I pulled it out. He seems to feel a lot better now, but the inside of that tooth stump is still exposed, up into the gum. Of course, it's a holiday weekend, so we can't have him seen until Wednesday. His usual MO.

Male Offspring and Teen Demon both said they noticed him eating kind of slowly on Thursday, but didn't think much of it at the time. So now I'm thinking that it was probably fractured before he went all Cujo on Mason, which makes me feel better about that part. He's still acting kind of weird around Mason. I think he feels vulnerable to him. In a pack, a dominant dog will hide an illness or injury from subordinates, to prevent a lower ranking dog from taking advantage of the opportunity to move up the chain. Mason certainly has no designs on trying to dominate anyone, but of course, I can't explain that to Batman. We're feeding Mason outside, and Batman in the kitchen so he feels safe and not rushed. Mason, not the sharpest stick in the pile, keeps trying to hang around Batman.

Batman, although putting on a brave front, has turned into a Velcro Dog, and I can tell it hurts him. I've been giving him aspirin, sparingly, and using clove oil and Orajel on the tooth.

Dogs, in some ways, are more challenging than kids. At least kids can converse with you, and you can reason with them. Well, maybe not so much at ages 2 and 12, but you know what I mean.