I Still Need a Clone.

Wouldn't it be fabulous to have a clone so you could split off responsibilities and do life better?

Seriously. I do the single-mom thing. With teenagers. The ex is now 12 time zones away, so not the kind where Dad has them Tuesdays, Thursdays, every other weekend, either.

So, teenagers, full time job, two big dogs (one with separation anxiety), the requisite housework, meals, bills, a lawn, and a 1955 house that doesn't exactly maintain itself.

A clone is called for.

An assistant won't cover it. You spend more time training someone than it's worth. If I had time to train someone, I wouldn't need a clone.

Plus, you'd need multiple people: chef, cleaning person, dog walker and poop cleaner, chauffeur, gardener, work assistant ... and if one of those guys could also pinch hit for discipline and handling teenager issues, that would just make it a veritable party in my book.

Of course, those people would require salaries, and decent ones, too, since their jobs would be no picnic. If I could afford their salaries, I wouldn't need a clone.

Some folks say a partner makes life easier, but I don't know. Again with the training, for one thing. Relationships take work, we all know that. If I had time for something extra like a relationship, I wouldn't need a clone, now would I? Plus, it's someone else to cook for or who leaves the seat up or whatever, and then you've got to factor in time to shave your legs and file your toenails. Wait -- maybe I'd actually have time to fit that in: the partner could mow the lawn or cook, while I shaved the legs. Hmm. However, a relationship requires mental energy of all sorts, and I'm thinking I don't have much mental anything left to go around these days.

No, I've thought about this, and I really just need a clone. Not the kind that gets born as a normal baby, where you've still got to change their diapers and basically train their ass like any normal kid. No. That defeats the whole purpose of a clone.

Plus, when they do grow up, they look better than you, because they're you ... 25 years younger! Fuck that. No, my clone would be another me, the grown-up version. Insta-Clone. And none of that Mini-Me business, fuck that too. I'd be the Mini-Me, as I would then have time to work out, if I had a clone.

My version of clone would share all my knowledge and memories, therefore, my clone would know my schedule, deadlines, who has a school conference or sporting event, when the grass was last mowed, the grocery situation, when taxes are due ... you get the picture. I wouldn't have to explain anything.

My clone would be "fire and forget" -- send her off to handle something, and then forget it, knowing she'd have that shit covered.

My clone would not mind handling the more distasteful jobs -- she'd pick up dog poop and figure out the taxes. If one of the offspring has lost his/her mind, I'd pick up the dog poop, and send the clone to deal with the teenager.

It's all about options, with a clone.

And, check this out: since my clone would be genetically me (basically) she'd share the same love and commitment to the offspring. No feeling guilty about a new partner taking on child rearing tasks for my kids. No worrying about the kids having to deal with that whole step-parent thing either -- they're already used to me, no new dynamic, it's just Mom. Again. They'd be the clone's kids too, in a twisted but convenient way. All of the help, none of the drama. If my clone wants to have sex with someone else, good for her! Just be back in time to pick up the offspring from track practice.

In fact, now that I think about it, with a clone, I might have the time and energy for a relationship after all. And if the partner has a bout of temporary insanity, guess who will be heading out to the coffee shop with a book, while the clone deals with any pouty partners? Now that is genius.

Anyway, I am seriously waiting for this technology. I will even name my clone Dolly in honor of the sheep, I'd be so damn grateful to the scientists who could give me a clone like that.