Baby Boom, Redux.

Have you all heard of this "competitive birthing" deal? I heard about it on NPR this morning, while taking the eldest daughter to the airport at o'dark-thirty on a Sunday morning. May the Ex be stricken with an aggressive case of pubic lice for setting up those tickets.

Apparently, upper crust mommies are getting caught up in the "competitive birthing" phenomenon sweeping through gated communities across the country. According to NPR:

Historically, the country-club set has had the smallest number of kids. But in the past 10 years, the number of high-end earners who are having three or more kids has shot up nearly 30 percent.

Some say the trend is driven by a generation of over-achieving career women who have quit work and transferred all of their competitive energy to baby making. They call it "competitive birthing."

Yep, the newest twist on keeping up with the Joneses is the mega-family with four or more kids. The uptown mommy is popping out babies like a well-coiffed brood mare. Mothers behind the curve with only one or two children admitted feelings of inadequacy next to their fructiferous peers.

One mother of two, who'd left her child bearing years behind her, reconsidered upon moving to an affluent Connecticut suburb. Even after a third child, it wasn't long until she felt the pressure to be fruitful and multiply once more:

I was bike riding at 6am with a friend, and she said 'I'm pregnant with #4!' and I was like, 'I'm so jealous of you,' and sure enough within the month, we're biking again, and I'm like, 'Guess what, I'm pregnant with #4 too.'

Competitive birthing indeed.

I'm sorry, but if your ass is out biking with your girlfriend at 6am, that means there is a nanny at home watching those kids. That means you're getting enough rest to be up and perky at that hellish hour of the morning, because somebody is helping your ass with laundry and dishes and carpooling and shit, and it means you're not going to work.

You are not Supermom, honey, you're team-mothering. Hell, I'd be competitive, too.

According to Virginia Smith, director of Wellesley Nursery School in the Hills, that's a big part of the high-society baby boomlet. These moms are having more babies because they can.

They're hiring consultants to do the toilet training, to teach them to ride the two-wheelers, to teach them to tie their shoes, it's like the kid gets head lice, and the nit-picker comes and picks the head lice out! Is it ok? I don't know...

These posh moms drop the little darlings off at Wellesley In the Hills with lipstick in place, a fresh manicure, and bags that match their designer workout clothes. They've got the time and energy to hit the gym and the tennis court, have coffee with the girls, get the school-agers off to soccer or tap, and still have time to freshen up before hubby gets home from work. Why not have an extra kid or three?

Another mom, from an article in the Boston Globe:

Every person I know who has four kids has full-time help.
40-year-old former investment banker and current Wellesley mother of three.

Well, no fucking wonder! See, I am just not impressed. You don't punch the 9 to 5 clock, you've got help with the cleaning, yard work, cooking, and chauffeuring, you've got babysitting or even nanny services to boot, where's the stress in that? Please! Moms, back me up here -- what makes parenting hard is that we have to handle everything else in life while we're doing it, right? If all I had to do was parent, damn, I could do that.

Shoot, if I had that set-up, my ass would be toned, I'd have a bouncy haircut with highlights, a pedicure, and shaved legs. My damn bag would match my cute workout shoes. I would kick ass if I didn't have to work and had "full-time help".

Who the hell has "full-time help" anydamnway? What the fuck is that about? Is that even real?

Five bucks says these prolific parents don't have to worry about things like college tuition or sports equipment or the cost of Driver's Ed classes either. That would go a long way toward reducing stress and anxiety, wouldn't it?

I'm thinking that can't be all there is to it, though. Besides the obvious financial reasons, why do these women do it? Why not spend that money on travel or Botox?

*One former attorney says being a mother of four validated her choice to leave the work force more than being a mom to a single child would. I guess I can see that. Easier to justify leaving behind a high powered job and letting that Vassar tuition slide down the drain to raise four kids as opposed to one. Proof to the world (and yourself?) that your life is challenging, that you're doing something not everyone could do. That you're not sitting around sucking down bon-bons. Because you know that's what we moms do.

Another mom puts it like this,

I think it's because we're compelled to be successful and to be achievers. If you're an Ivy League graduate, who's always balanced all of the things in your life, and done it well, you don't decide to be a mom and have one kid. You're going to do it in a big way, full stop, 3 or 4 kids.

Really? I guess I can see that. There is more affirmation for parenting multiple children. I get that sometimes, even with my three, and if I'm honest, yes, it is validating. Then again, I'm definitely not using the team-mothering approach, and my ass goes to work every day. Shoot, I could use the other parent being present, let alone a damn housecleaner.

My mini-brood did not come about through some sort of Wisteria Lane competitive birthing deal to seal my status as an Ivy League mom, I'll tell you that much.

No, that shit came about because I temporarily lost my damn mind, no thanks to that damnblasted Barry White. That and baby shoes. Don't ask.

Actually, having reached Older & Wiser status, I do feel guilt about adding to the planet's burgeoning population with my three, particularly since we Americans are not down with Kyoto or any type of greening down as a whole. I rationalize that, though, with the knowledge that my kids are geniuses who will change the world. Plus, the eldest doesn't want kids, the 2nd says she'd adopt, because there are too many kids of color already needing homes. Hey, we adopt shelter dogs, same deal. Plus, no stretchmarks. See? Genius.

I do find it interesting that once again, it seems to be about women feeling the need to prove their worth. If they're not proving they can hang with the guys in the corporate world, they're justifying their choice to stay home and mother by supersizing the family. As if mothering one kid isn't mother enough.

Of course my Radical Bohemian daughter found it interesting that while this is reported as the latest fashion trend among the jet-set to be aspired to (Four Is the New Two! ), regular folks with large families aren't viewed in quite the same way. Far from being trendy and chic, working class families with several kids are seen as irresponsible. Out of control. Not in the same class as the super-sized family elite, are they? (Hey! I was not out of control -- that shit was planned before Barry started singing. The baby shoes didn't help, though...)

So, for those of you who haven't hopped on the breeding bandwagon yet, it's something to think about. Little Topher and Jennifer (and Jayden and Madison) can be walking, breathing status symbols. You too can be a high society competive birther.

Just make sure you've got your support staff and your Hummer in place.

Photo credits: first two photos: Pam Berry/Boston Globe Magazine