Ku Klux Klowns

OK, so I just watched a two-hour documentary about the Ku Klux Klan on the National Geographic Channel. Whew. These are some crazy-ass bastards in sheets and fucked up hats.

Klan Tale
My personal introduction to the modern-day Klan was in Georgia. The ex and I were stationed in Atlanta back in the military daze, and unknowingly got stuck in a six-month lease in the redneck oart of town. Not long after moving, I stopped for a red light at a busy intersection of Tara Blvd. and was dumbfounded to see four Klansmen in full regalia -- hats, honor badges, the works -- handing out their newsletter or some shit.

Being young, naive, and a "Yankee", I remember thinking,
(1) Is this shit LEGAL?!
(2) Holy shit, we can not live here, and
(3) Those are some seriously fucked up hats.

One of them leaned across the hood of the car next to me in order to offer me his newsletter. Being young, naive, and a "Yankee", I indignantly yelled, "I don't want to read that ignorant, racist bullshit!" and continued to get my rage on, with something along the lines of "And get your filthy bedsheets the hell off her car ..." when it dawned on me that the Black woman on whose car this asshat was leaning was staring straight ahead, like she did not even see him reaching over her car. Like she did not even notice this exchange going on over her hood.

That slow-motion moment was a moment that helped me grow the fuck up. Fast.

I shut up. The Knight in White Satin spewed threats and venom my way, and as the light changed, the woman next to me glanced at me, like Happy now? Stupid child. As the Grand AssKlown shook his fist in my rear view mirror, I thought, shit, that was dumb. I lived a couple of blocks away. If he and his buds spied the true nature of my race-traitoring ... definitely not good. Well, there were racial incidents during our stay in Dixie, but the men in white sheets never did come a-knockin'.

Let's move on. Here are some interesting factoids that will never show up in your Trivial Pursuit game.

Klan Trivia

• The Klan was founded in 1866 in Tennessee as a social club, "much like a college fraternity", not as the horrific, violent group of inbreds it became. It was seen as a positive institution, stressing the defense of white women and limiting Black voter participation -- necessary in those confusing post-Civil War days, when white folks lived in fear of being overrun by savages and having to lift a finger a for themselves.


• The name comes from the Greek kyklos, meaning "circle". They tacked "Klan" on the end, just because it sounded cool and showcased their alliteration and spelling skillz.


• The Klan has a special vokkkabulary; further evidence of the aforementioned alliteration and spelling skillz.
  
  

  Klonvocations: secret meetings or gatherings
  Klavern: local KKK unit (your friendly neighborhood chapter)Klecktoken: membership fees
  Kleagle: recruiter
  Kludd: chaplain (Man of the Fiery Cross)Kloran: ritual book (So ... I guess Obama is to Osama what Kloran is to Koran? Come on, can't have it both ways, guys.)



• Klan US Presidents: Calvin Coolidge, Warren G. Harding, Harry S Truman, William McKinley, and Woodrow Wilson.


• President Coolidge evidently allowed the occasional cross lighting on the Capitol steps and watched the giant Klan parades of 1925 and -26.
  Whoo-eee!  Gives a whole'nuther meaning to term White House, y'all!


• In 1915, the obscenely racist and wildly popular film Birth of a Nation was released, depicting the Klan as the last bastion of  'Murkan integrity, defending the honor of virtuous white women against the advances of the animalistic, defiant Black man. President Woodrow Wilson, after a private screening in the White House, gushed,
  
  

  It's like writing history with lightning. And my only regret is that it is all terribly true. (WTF?)

  This piece of racist propaganda was evidently The Shit in its time, as far as pure technicalities of cinematography go. It introduced all manner of kick-ass advances in film making, so much so that it was actually voted into the National Film Registry in 1993 (!), and voted one of the Top 100 American Films in 1998.
  
  Yes, I said 19fucking98!
  Of course, both of these honors stirred up a buttload of controversy, but this was some film-making genius shit in its day. It was the first true "blockbuster", and was the most profitable film for 20 years, until Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves came out in 1937. Of course, Klan membership surged after its release. Amazingly, this three-hour pack of lies is still used for Klan recruitment today. Unfuckingbelievable.
  Read about this epic masterpiece here.


• In 1925, 40,000 Klansmen held their own march on Washington, displaying their national power and ability to mass-produce dunce caps out of old sheets.


• And for the ladies, the Women's Ku Klux Klan (WKKK) had an estimated membership of 500,000 white, Protestant women. These feisty gals fought for equal gender rights while supporting the caste system imposed on their Black sisters and those scary Black mens! Oddly enough, some present-day WhiteIsRight wingnuts blame the rise of today's uppity femi-nazis on these early Klan womenfolk.


• The Klan had four million members by 1925, but suffered mass defections due largely to corruption and immorality within its leadership. Members felt this cast them in a bad light. Membership fell as low as 100,000 by The Depression.


• The IRS put a $650,000 lien on the Klan for unpaid back taxes in 1944.


• In 1946, the Klan was restructured to individually governed units with no national affiliation, thus avoiding those pesky back taxes owed by the national group.


• A more militant version of the Klan rose again in response to Brown v. the Board of Education and the Civil Rights movement in general: little Black boys must not be in classrooms, buses, or swimming pools with little white girls, y'all.


• This resurgence and renewed fervor eventually led to a recentralized organizational structure by the '60s, the United Klans of America (UKA).


• In 1997, Henry Hays, an Exalted Cyclops in the KKK, was executed for the 1981 random lynching of teenager Michael Donald. (Another kkkolleague was given 99 years for providing the rope, another got life.)
  ---Michael's mother, Beulah May Donald, was awarded a $7-million wrongful-death verdict, financially destroying the United Klans of America. Hell, yeah. They did not have $7 mil, but deeded her all their assets, including their headquarters, which she sold for $52,000 and bought a house. She died a year and a half later.
  ---In 2006, the street where Michael was beaten, hung, and his throat slashed, was renamed Michael Donald Avenue in Michael's honor.

Of course, the Klan managed to survive that too. It's alive and well in various incarnations and sick spin-off groups all across this Great Land.
They keep breeding hate and each generation passes the torch to the next.

These pictures are sad.

OK, I'm tired of Klan-talk. My son wants to watch Barnyard, a film about friendly farm animals, rated PG for "mild peril and crude humor". Sounds good.